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reikawakuboback again with some fic commentary! this time it’s on my very first jaywon fic, see u dance, which has a very special place in my heart. i think after going through the writing process of this fic, i figured out jaywon is the pairing for me because:
A) they are so wonderful and give me serotonin
B) there are so many different facets to their dynamic to explore, and it’s not necessarily all sunshine and rainbows either
C) i do not think i have ever had an easier time writing for any ship before them
D) there is no need for tinhatting
i don’t want to bore you with too long of an intro, so let us begin hehe.
He got out of his last class a little later than usual, which leaves him less time to scarf down his favorite dining hall dinosaur chicken nuggets. Jungwon has to thank the university for providing them with daily feasts fit for eight year olds that definitely make their very expensive meal plans worth it. His mother would disagree.
i would just like to say that when i was in university, i did not stay on campus—i was a commuter! so a lot of my insight into on-campus-living life comes from my friends at other universities and what they’ve told me lol. they paid all that tuition for a meal plan that consists of mostly chicken nuggets…tragic. and of course i have to include a small detail about it in a university au!
He is eating a struggle meal of rice, Spam, and eggs that he had packed for the day.
asian struggle meal yet it easily tops any other meal…add some furikake on the rice ? yum. sorry, you came for fic commentary, not food commentary skfsdk.
“And he trusts you to be able to eat without spilling on his precious face?” Heeseung asks as he goes in for a bite of rice. He misses his mouth and spills into his own lap.
in my humble opinion this is the epitome of who heeseung is…he is a disaster human and he’s messy and i adore…him i had to make fun of him a little, hence this little bit.
“Jongseong-hyung is napping before class, apparently,” Sunoo says, sipping from his Chatime cup. He neglected to get any of the rest of them boba, because he’s mean and selfish like that. Jungwon isn’t bitter.
to be honest i think my go-to california university to set my fics is uci because of the Huge Asian Demographic lol. i’ve known a lot of people who have gone there/currently go there, and the culture of the campus just fits super well. usc is too white, ucla just. doesn’t have enough of the asian campus culture that i’m looking for…like the uci university center has a sharetea and a chatime AND a northern cafe…what a dream. i mean usc has a northern cafe location down the street but it’s not as good as the uci location and then in general that area of orange county is just very fitting. yall will have no idea what i am talking about BUT JUST KNOW. it fits. that’s all.
“What, am I not allowed to lay in my boyfriend’s lap?” Riki grumbles this, words jumbled together.
“No, you definitely are,” Sunoo replies.
gratuitous sunki nod!
“Jongseong is napping on Jungwon’s lap,” Sunoo replies, rolling his eyes. “How many times am I going to have to say this?”
“That should be it, seeing as we’re your only friends,” Sunghoon says cheerfully, earning himself a hard thwack on the back of the head.
gratuitous sunsun bickering because the friend group dynamic wouldn’t be the same without it! i’ve talked about this before, but friend group dynamics make or break a fic if they’re playing a decently sized role in the story and how it progresses. i like to think that the way i choose to write the enha friend group flows pretty well!
When Jungwon looks down at Jongseong, the older boy is stirring from his nap, hands reaching up to rub the sleep from his eyes, double-jointed fingers bending at strange angles as he does it. When his eyes flutter open and Jongseong’s gaze meets Jungwon’s, he smiles. It’s that signature half-smile of his, the one where one side of his mouth quirks up and his eyes sparkle prettily and Jungwon has suddenly lost the ability to breathe. He can feel it there, stuck in his chest, his lips parted.
“Hey,” Jongseong says, and his voice is so soft, yet it’s all Jungwon can hear over the noise of the dining hall and the sound of Sunghoon and Sunoo’s bickering. Jungwon remembers to breathe again and he smiles, using his thumb to brush away a fallen eyelash on the surface of Jongseong’s cheek.
He makes a wish, even though that’s not how that works. “Hey.”
to be honest. i think some of my favorite things to write are these really quietly intimate scenes. there’s nothing grand or dramatic happening, it’s just a really small moment that is pretty understated. like obviously they are with their friends in a noisy dining hall, but for a few seconds, it almost feels like they’re kind of in their own little world. like jungwon looks down at jay and instantly everything around him kind of fades away. the and his voice is so soft, yet it’s all Jungwon can hear over the noise of the dining hall and the sound of Sunghoon and Sunoo’s bickering. i love that so much i love writing things like that because i think a little bit of lovestruck tunnel vision never hurt anyone!
i don’t know if anyone has noticed, but i do a lot of this cupping of the cheek, brushing the thumb over the skin thing, and i just think it is, so soft. so romantic. so intimate so!!!! i just love including it, and the added element of making a wish on jay’s fallen eyelash…idk! soft.
Jungwon sips absently at his iced matcha latte, disappointment washing over him when he realizes that he’s already finished it. That was definitely not worth the nearly six dollars that he paid for it.
me projecting about my $6.75 uji green milk tea with boba drink that i would get no matter how broke i was in college yup. yup. did it to myself
Jongseong places a hand on Jungwon’s leg as he leans in, lips brushing the flesh of his ear as he whispers, his warmth breath flitting over Jungwon’s skin and raising goosebumps at the sensation. Jungwon pretends he doesn’t feel the heat rise up the back of his neck at the proximity of the older boy. Pretends he doesn’t feel his skin burn where Jongseong is touching him
jay doing the most and using any opportunity to touch jungwon? #canon! honestly. you know that little clip of jay hugging jungwon on i-land…where jay cradles jungwon’s head in his hand and has his mouth like. against jungwon’s ear. i think about that every day. any kind of close-quarters whispering i’ve ever written for jaywon? inspired by that and written with it in mind. always.
“You’re the worst,” Jungwon groans, reaching out a hand and pushing Jongseong’s face away playfully, drawing out a laugh from the other. Jongseong catches the younger boy’s hand in his and intertwines their fingers, bringing them to rest on his leg as he turns back to his laptop.
this. This. jaywon holding hands! it’s the simple things. in my opinion jaywon are the most highkey lowkey ship i’ve ever seen. i saw a tweet from one of my mutuals (@SLAYPHEN) talking about how jay is so subtly un-subtle about how he loves jungwon. and like ali says, he’s so obvious about it but he also doesn’t necessarily shove it in anyone’s faces either.
“Are we about to kiss right now?” Jongseong asks, and it’s then that the two of them lose it.
i added this part in super last minute and i’m not really sure why to be honest! but “are we about to kiss right now?” is one of my favorite things to say when i’m fake-arguing with people
Not when Jongseong is smiling down at him with the Jongseong Smile, AKA the I’m In Love With You smile that Jongseong tends to employ without even realizing. It has caused many misunderstandings and broken several hearts.
genuinely think that jay has made people fall for him and has accidentally made them think that he likes them back. i remember once someone tweeted something like “what is the opposite of eye-fucking” and i responded and was like “whatever the fuck it is jay does when he looks at literally anyone” and i stand by it!
prepare yourselves: i’m about to wax poetic about jay’s eyes. i just think he has The Softest Eyes. a lot about jay (physically) is so sharp, but i think his eyes are so, so soft and the expression in them is always so gentle. i don’t even know if i’m making sense lol! essentially what i’m saying is that jongseong has very expressive, soft eyes and it Kills me. reference this video. yes, it’s the video of jay pspsps-ing jungwon, aka my favorite jaywon video ever probably.
JW: u can’t keep doing this
J: I can and I will
i don’t know, it’s just something about this. i think i talked about this in my director’s cut of don’t wanna fall, but i’ll discuss it again briefly. the gist of it is this: jay likes to take care of people. and he does it because he loves them—there are no ulterior motives when it comes to jay and the things he does for the people he cares about.
i think a running theme of my two (2) jaywon fics so far is that jungwon has a hard time accepting jay’s love and affections—not only the feelings themselves, but the way that jay chooses to express them. i think i played up that independence that aquarius placements have for my storytelling-benefit lol! as someone who has an aquarius dominant chart/has an aquarius stellium, i have a hard time accepting help from people, or even have a hard time letting other people take care of me and i definitely project that onto jungwon’s character. and i love to write about jay taking care of him!
JW: hasn’t everyone had a crush on Jongseong at some point
JW: except me tho ofc lol
S: help
S: you’re fucking stupid
probably the dumbest thing jungwon says! and sunoo lets him know that of course
S: HE LIKES U YOU DUMB BITCH THAT’S HOW. I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU
normalize calling your friends dumb bitches when they’re being oblivious!!
“What more does he have to do to show you that he likes you,” Sunoo asks, sounding as exasperated as Jungwon has ever heard him.
“Tell me to my face,” Jungwon says, and he knows he’s being unfair.
“That’s a big leap of faith you’re expecting him to take without you even showing him that you like him back,” Sunoo points out, and he’s right.
let’s talk about this. confessing your feelings for someone is terrifying, not knowing if they’ll reciprocate them and stressing about ruining what you have is terrifying. this is all pretty standard crush-happenings. when i wrote this, i had a very clear idea of what jungwon’s mindset was and how he would approach a situation like this—because being in love with your best friend is kind of horrible. someone like jungwon (me) is prepared to never confess if there’s even the slightest doubt that someone does not like them back. just silly goofy (valid imo) cowardly behavior!
i think i wanted this conversation to happen with sunoo because he can give tough love and can give jungwon another perspective to consider—that perspective being that of the friend that has to witness how much two people love each other and do nothing about it. the middleman role is a burden for sure.
and sunoo says it: asking jay to take a leap of faith and confess to jungwon just so he feels better about his feelings is unfair. it is too heavy of an expectation. the fact that jungwon knows it’s unfair is a little sad too, because he’s just giving himself another excuse not to confess himself!
Jungwon is laying in bed and staring at the cracks in his dorm room ceiling. If he squints, he thinks he can see JY Park. It is the stuff of nightmares.
jy park is one of the ugliest men i have ever seen in my life…i hope i have made that abundantly clear by comparing him to the surface of a popcorn ceiling
“What is wrong with you?” Riki sounds unamused.
“Rude,” Jungwon mutters, frowning.
“This is the nine-thousandth time that you have sighed in the past hour. I can hear you through my headphones. It’s annoying.” Riki rolls his chair closer and slouches a bit, crossing his arms. “So either tell me what is wrong, or shut up.”
niki is another member of the enha friend group that i think would be tough love provider #2. i really really love wonki’s friendship, and i wanted to dedicate a little section to them in this fic, and this is what i came up with—niki reminding jungwon of how dumb and oblivious he is (as if sunoo hasn’t already done this). jungwon is the little king of not letting himself have something good, and his friends are there to remind him that he is allowed to have nice things, even if the way they go about it is not so gentle!
“Does this have anything to do with the fact that Jongseong is in love with you?”
“Does this what now.” Jungwon can feel his face get hot. He sits up in his bed.
“Sunoo-hyung is my boyfriend,” Riki reminds him, like it’s enough of an explanation. And it is.
“And when I get my hands around his neck,” Jungwon says, clenching his fists and shaking them in the air dramatically.
“You act like the rest of us don’t already know,” Riki scoffs.
i’m sure by this point, everyone knows that jaywon being in love is something discussed by the outside parties of their little friend group. i just wanted to acknowledge it for jungwon’s sake, because i wanted to show jungwon like. you are not as subtle as you thought. jay is definitely not subtle at all, and everyone knows what is going on and they all talk about it. it is a conversation topic that comes up often. get it together.
and of course, niki knows everything that sunoo knows.
“Is that all I’m good for? A free meal?”
“POV you’re Jongseong and I’m you,” Riki says gleefully, and Jungwon gets off his bed this time and wraps his arm around Riki’s neck in a chokehold.
oh how the turn tables!
He knows Jongseong wouldn’t let something like unrequited feelings ruin their friendship, but secretly, deep down, he knows that if anything were to go wrong, it’d be his own fault.
this. this! jongseong would not let something like this ruin their friendship. in my headcanon of what jay is like, i like to think that jay would be so kind in letting anyone down, so understanding, and if you asked to still be friends and for nothing to change, he would do that for you. the problem here is jungwon and his tendency to overthink and probably what would end up being him ghosting jay even if accidentally. like he probably asks jay from space and jay gives it to him and then it just ends up with jungwon not responding to any texts anymore and avoiding seeing him in person and—you get the picture.
i’m sorry i know jungwon is an angel i adore him but i can’t seem to stop villainizing him just a little bit in every jaywon fic so far…especially in my jaywon angst wip that i’ve been working on lately…it’s a doozy let me just say that. but think about this: am i intentionally villainizing jungwon, or do i just like to make jay suffer? that’s the real question!
“Is everything okay?” Jongseong is gnawing at his bottom lip and has put his chopsticks down. His brows are scrunched as he reaches across the table and presses the back of his hand against Jungwon’s forehead. “Are you sick?”
“I’m fine. I’m just a little anxious.” Jungwon admits. This, at least, is the truth.
“What about? Do you want to talk about it? It might make you feel better,” Jongseong says, wiping his mouth with his napkin and setting it aside.
“I don’t know. Not really,” Jungwon replies, and he feels guilty about the line that forms between Jongseong’s brows as he furrows them.
“You know you can talk to me about anything, right? Whatever it is, whenever. I’m here for you.”
i think there’s something about jay and how ready he is to take care of people and how selfless he is in that regard…and obviously they’re best friends, so he’s a little upset that jungwon isn’t confiding in him. and because they’re best friends, jay obviously knows all of jungwon’s tells and knows when something is up. as jungwon mentions a little bit later, there is no way that he would be able to tell jay what’s wrong because it involves his feelings for him so! he simply will not say anything.
“I appreciate you, really. I’m sorry I’m not eating much. I’m wasting your money.”
Jongseong rolls his eyes. “You’re not wasting my money, shut up.”
“You spend so much money on me,” Jungwon says quietly, staring down at the table.
“It’s just food, it’s not a big deal.”
Jungwon looks up at Jongseong, really looks at him. “It’s a big deal to me.”
“It’s not that serious,” Jongseong says, and this time some annoyance colors his voice and Jungwon feels taken aback. There’s a heavy, sinking feeling in his stomach and Jungwon tries not to feel disappointed.
Jungwon knew it, he knew that it was too good to be true. Maybe he’s just jumping to conclusions here, but there is no way Jongseong feels the same. It’s just not that serious, apparently.
big chonk of text this time! so there’s a couple of things that i want to address here. something i’ve used in my jaywon fics is a gift-giving love language for jay. in real life, i think his love languages are more like acts of service and words of affirmation but! jay is rich so why not employ that for gift-giving hehe. i mentioned this before, but jungwon has a hard time accepting jay’s love for him, even if platonic.
here, jungwon thinks he’s wasting jay’s money—if you want to look at it from the angle that jay is paying for him to eat but he’s not eating much, then maybe, technically, he is wasting money. but for jay, it’s not about that. this is how he takes care of jungwon, and sunoo addresses this later but to speak on it briefly—jungwon is making it about the money spent and not the intentions tha jay puts behind it.
the last bit at the end, where jungwon is crestfallen and disappointed and even if it’s because of the misunderstanding and his inability to accept the idea that jay might love him, i do feel bad for him, especially if jay had kind of snapped at him. personally, i would have used this as another excuse to never ever confess!
“Okay, no,” Jungwon admits, earning himself a smack on the back of the head. Sunoo’s smacks are powerful and painful, and if Jungwon is honest, he’s not sure if the tears that form in his eyes are from the emotions he feels from his situation, or from Sunoo hitting him.
“You’re so fucking dramatic,” Sunoo snaps. “You had me thinking horrible things about Jongseong for a second there. I was gonna head over there and run him over with his own Lexus.”
to be honest, i am absolutely horrible at taking shit seriously. anything i have ever said ever should be taken with a grain of salt because there is a chance that i simply do not mean it! that goes for this scene too because this scene is supposed to be pretty like. serious-ish i guess? like they’re talking about jungwon interpreting what jay had said as him rejecting-him-but-not when he hadn’t even confessed. but i threw in some humor here because i do not think i have ever met a single aquarius who has been able to have a fully serious conversation about their feelings, and fic!jungwon is no different.
sunoo is tired of jungwon’s shit, which, valid, and i think he is perfectly within his rights to give jungwon a little shmack to the noggin!
also just a side note that i vehemently believe that jay would drive a lexus. probably modified a little bit but i’m not going to go into the details because i don’t think anyone cares abt that! the point is. jay’s car would be just about as sexy as he is. mhm.
“Jesus Christ, Jungwon, did you imagine the whole conversation in your head or something? Did you even go to dinner with him?”
this just made me giggle when i was writing it that’s all!
“It’s not stupid.” Sunoo continues his stroking of Jungwon’s hair and instantly feels a little better. “There’s two sides of this situation, though, you know? Like, on one hand, he’s allowed to be annoyed that you’re making it about the money he spends rather than the intention he puts behind it. The guy has feelings for you and he takes you to dinner and pays for everything because he cares about you and this is how he conveys his love and affection.” Jungwon winces a little at the L-word because Riki was right: he is twelve years old. “Maybe he was hurt because that’s how you summed up everything he does for you – it all came down to the money, not his feelings.”
sunoo has such a big brain! i wanted to make him spell everything out for jungwon because admittedly, he’s simply not thinking about what jay could have meant by saying what he did. and once again to repeat myself, jungwon has a hard time accepting that jay loves him. JUST LET JAY TAKE CARE OF YOU. that’s all i have to say on the matter now!
“Yang Jungwon,” Sunoo says, and this time, he sounds angry. “You are not difficult to love, okay? And I’m sure it was even easier for Jongseong-hyung to fall in love with you.”
“Whoa, hyung, careful, it sounds like you might be in love with me too. Does Riki know?” Jungwon jokes weakly. Sunoo just looks at him.
“Please don’t embarrass yourself like this.”
“I am having trouble processing, okay? Let me use humor to cope.”
“You call that humor?”
see? local aquarius uses humor to cope with the devastating news that his best friend is, in fact, in love with him. this was such a bad headline my newsroom editor would snipe me for it. anyways! the line where sunoo is like “you are not difficult to love” is a line i used recently in my short heejay fic and i think my brain is trying to tell me something about myself but that is neither here nor there! anyways i love reassurance and i love affirmation and i think sunoo is a wonderful human being and would definitely say something like this.
J: Hey can we talk?
J: O fuck that sounds scary it’s not anything bad i promise
J: Lowkey i am outside your place already lol sorry
jay: can we talk except i’m already here so you cannot refuse me…sir…they way i’d shit my pants if i was jungwon.
Jungwon walks slowly, hands buried deep in his pants pockets. Even through all the nerves, he can’t help but notice how handsome Jongseong is even under the bad street lamplights above him. He seems to have changed out of his nicer clothes that he had worn to dinner earlier, now donning some sweats and a hoodie. He’s wearing his glasses and it’s devastating how cute he is. Jungwon can feel his heart squeeze somewhere in his chest.
let me just talk about jay for a second—i love when jay gets all dressed up and wears his slacks and boots and things but, i love it more when he wears hoodies he just looks so
okay anyways! this part was just an excuse for me to not pretend that i hate jay for a sec.
“I’m in love with you,” Jongseong says, and suddenly his voice is devoid of nerves. He sounds as confident as Jungwon has ever heard him, and it feels almost like a punch in the gut, but strangely, in a good way. He doesn’t think he’s ever heard Jongseong sound so sure of himself.
i think the fact that jay apparently sounded so sure of himself is so. so!!! “apparently” … me acting like i didn’t write the damn thing. the point is, i don’t think people realize how much a difference it makes in a confession if the person sounds completely confident…like this leaves no reason for doubt, no reason for misunderstandings. this is something that jungwon so desperately needs—he already had a hard time believing his friends telling him about jay’s feelings for him, and now that he’s hearing it from jay himself, jay’s confidence could help diminish his fears at least a little bit.
“It’s okay if you don’t feel the same.” Jongseong sounds so kind, so achingly earnest, and suddenly, Jungwon feels like crying. He can feel it, rising up his chest, the sting behind his eyes. He has to take a deep breath to settle himself. “I am your friend, your best friend, your hyung. Before anything else, I am those things to you, and that doesn’t change regardless of how you feel or don’t feel.”
can you tell my own love language is words of affirmation laughing emoji. anyways. i wanted to give jungwon a moment of absolute clarity, a moment where jay tells him exactly what he needs to hear in this situation. because this is exactly what i would need to hear if i was him! and the part where jay is like “I am your friend, your best friend, your hyung. Before anything else, I am those things to you, and that doesn’t change regardless of how you feel or don’t feel.” my god. i think this is something that i find so so important. like jungwon was already worried about ruining what they have by confessing right, so here jay is, the angel that he is, reassuring him that before anything they are best friends and that wouldn’t change. god i could cry. jay is so good.
“I didn’t mean to make you cry.” Jongseong’s voice is so soft. “The last thing I wanted to do was make you sad. I don’t want to hurt you.”
PARK JONGNSEONG…THE MAN THAT YOU ARE. i just. i am a sucker for dialogue where someone is like “the last thing i wanted to do” blah blah blah but in a good way not in a negative sense. i don’t even know if what i just said makes sense. the point is that it’s usually so soft and intimate and it makes me fucking. fold.
and the outtake! cuddly jaywon is my absolute favorite and i 100% believe that jay would just drape himself all over jungwon and essentially crush him! that’s all it was hehe.
thank you if you’ve read this far! i really really like talking about my writing and to see that some enjoyed my last post meant a lot to me
until next time! mwah
