don't wanna fall – the director's cut and commentary

[reikawakubo]

my first dreamwidth post has arrived! this is going to be a commentary on my most recent jaywon fic, don’t wanna fall. i thought it’d be nice to do a post on this fic because it means so much to me. i’m relatively new to enhatwt and enha fic, but definitely no stranger to rpf, let alone fic writing in general. before writing for enha, i’d been going through a pretty severe time period of writer’s block, and it wasn’t until i posted my first fic for enha that i realized that writing for them gave me an unreal amount of serotonin lol.

this fic is probably the longest one i’ve written in the past year or so, and i wrote it without any bumps in the road or obstacles, and i received more love for it than i ever anticipated, and it means so much to me. generally, i wrote this fic for myself! if you don’t find any food you like, then you need to make it for yourself, right?

in this post, i will be pasting specific lines or passages and providing commentary on my thought process behind writing them, or just to give a fun anecdote about what inspired it. i can’t promise that my commentary will be as relatively coherent as this introduction section is, but i hope it’s interesting and entertaining to whoever may be reading this

no more intro rambling, i promise!

to begin,

 

It’s not a well-rounded university experience if you don't completely ignore your homework and procrastinate until the very last second. There is something barbaric about the way professors toss out assignments and deadlines without any warning, aside from the syllabus that Jungwon definitely reads so thoroughly that doesn’t have to check it every time he breathes. 11:59 PM deadlines can eat Jungwon’s a—

 

i know this is literally the first paragraph, but i just wanted to talk about how i always struggle to decide how i want to start any fic ever…the intro is so important, it makes or breaks the fic and it needs to be good enough to keep a reader from clicking away, especially since this fic is 18k long! i’m pretty picky myself, and if i find something i don’t like this early in the work, i click away, so i had to write with myself and other people like me in mind.

in the end, i thought i’d set the scene with the fact that jungwon is your average university student who procrastinates and doesn’t do his work until it comes back to bite him in the ass and would rather lie down and scroll through tiktok! jungwon simply does not want to do anything!

 

Sunghoon had cut the whole line to stand next to Jungwon. There were minimal grumblings because the guy is untouchable and gorgeous and how is anyone going to get mad at a face like that?

 

there was a comment that i received recently that pointed out how interesting it was that sunghoon was the social go-between for the two friend groups. i won’t lie—i Do Not Know why i chose this pairing to be that bridge. i’ve only been stanning enha since around may 2021, so i just write dynamics based on what i know and have seen in their content from either now or on i-land. but i saw a post somewhere yesterday saying that jungwon and sunghoon are closer friends than we think, so maybe i knew it without knowing it and i am simply a genius!

 

Sometimes there are just those people that you don't even know who give off some...vibes. Neither good nor bad, yet there’s usually something about them that makes you a little wary. Park Jongseong is one of those people for Jungwon. Maybe it’s the way that he’s gorgeous, not in the untouchable, undeniable way that Sunghoon is, but in a way that feels intimidating and almost cocky. Or it could be the way that he is always surrounded by people and is the constant center of attention. Or maybe it’s the way that he doesn’t seem to have a relationship that lasts longer than a few months and the rumors that he talks to multiple people at once.

 

here, we kind of have the whole premise for this fic. i liked the idea that jay looks like he would be in a frat or some kind of asian-american org when he’s in university (just a reminder that this fic takes place in southern california at an unspecified university, but i picture it to be uci). i decided to play around with my socal asian!jay headcanon and that is how this fic’s main storyline came to be for the most part! i think mark lee and jay are pretty much the only idols that i headcanon as being southern californian just because of their vibes and personalities, and it’s truly messing with my head i am simply delusional

a lot of my fics are written with my experience as a young asian-american adult living in southern california in mind—growing up here has given me some very specific experiences that i don’t usually see portrayed in any kind of mainstream media, so it has always been a goal of mine to use my rpf fics as a way to do that and give myself and any others that stumble upon my work a feeling that our experiences are being represented somehow, even if it’s in a fanfiction lol!

 

“What is this, an enemies to lovers fanfiction?” Riki scoffs.

 

i love to make my fics self-reflexive so i always like to throw in a line or two like this in all my works just because it’s fun to acknowledge rpf and its occasional discussion in everyday life

 

“Oh. Then which org is he in? Pineapples?” Jungwon genuinely thought Jongseong was in Lambdas, and it didn’t help that Jongseong fit the type.

“None.” Sunoo says this and tilts his head to the side, an incredulous smile starting to form on his face.

 

a couple of people who have left comments on this fic have noticed that this is kind of the first instance of jungwon’s expectations of who jay is like as a person getting disapproved…like jay is Not in a frat so that’s just one less reason for you to not like him hehe. also i like to use these two orgs because they’re two of the most common that “kevin nguyens” are part of and i’ve known guys from these orgs and. lol. no comment!

 

Jungwon thinks back to the time that the boy had chugged half a bottle of the stuff on an empty stomach and then promptly spent the rest of the night with his head over a toilet in the Pineapples house. Of course that meant Jungwon was sitting on the bathroom floor beside him while Sunoo was taking selfies in the mirror. It’s mostly a fond memory.

 

i did not make this bit up—this is actually an experience i had with some of my best friends (at the time) during our first year of university lol! in this scenario, i was jungwon, my friends were riki and sunoo respectively sdjfsdjf. and like i said, it’s mostly a fond memory…i say mostly because my best friend to this day is the one who had her head over the toilet…the selfie taker…not so much :]

 

When they reach the house and head towards the door, they see Theo standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame on his phone and looking bored, red Solo cup in his other hand. The lighting from his phone and the dim light above the door illuminate the lightest parts of his platinum hair and highlight the rainbow streaks.

 

this theo cameo was For Me. p1h is one of my main groups that i stan and i can’t write a fic without a cameo! i like the idea that theo would be a frat boy that does not care about lineage or rules as much and would only let his littles leave door duty to go to the bathroom if he was in a good mood. just a funny concept and my attempt at like. micro-characterization. micro- because i tried to fit in as much info about what he is like as a character in such a small passage of text—around 3ish paragraphs and like 4 lines of dialogue.

 

“Sorry, I’m just playing around. Seriously, I’m sorry,” Jongseong says, and he at least looks like he means it. Jungwon relaxes the slightest bit.

 

this bit is important in a couple different ways—on the first read through of this fic, i think it adds some realness to jay, especially since he was kind of flirty in the beginning of their interaction and continues to be throughout the rest. once you’ve read through this fic entirely, you can kind of see that the way jay bumped into jungwon/encountered jungwon this first time could have been intentional! you can interpret it that way, or you could see it as incidental, it really doesn’t change too much either way. (personally, i like to think that this encounter was on purpose on jay’s part.)

 

“Don’t you think I’d be such a good salesman?” Jongseong asks suddenly and Jungwon furrows his brows.

 

jay is a dork and i genuinely believe that he would ask something random shit like this mid-conversation as a business major because he’s unsocialized like that and doesn’t fully realize how much everyone hates business majors! however. i’d be a capitalism stan for jay

 

“Oh wait,” Jongseong says, tilting his head to the side. “You’re Sunghoon’s friend, right? Yang Jungwon?”

 

jay pretending he didn’t have a fatass crush on jungwon before they’d even spoken before…gay…one gay mf…i feel like jay would definitely pretends he hasn’t already been pining over someone before they’ve even actually met and i stand by it.

“I’m Park Jongseong. Some people call me Jay,” the older boy says, offering him a small smile. Jungwon wants to stomp his foot. Just another reminder that the pretty boy has a pretty name.

 

“Like Jay Park.”

“Yeah.”

“The racist one?” Jungwon is mostly messing with him at this point.

“Definitely not like the racist one.”

 

every day i lament the fact that the man i have a parasocial relationship with shares his name with a racist but what can i do but make jokes about it in my silly little fanfiction? but have yall thought about the fact that both their names are jay park and they’re both from seattle…because this information haunts me it keeps me up at night why did it have to be like this…

 

“Damn, is there a lot of that going around too? You get asked out a lot, don’t you?” Jongseong is smiling, and Jungwon can’t help but notice how pretty he looks, even in the harsh, almost fluorescent kitchen lighting.

 

i know i made a joke about jay being unsocialized but actually i think he’d be a real smooth mf if he learned how to use his honesty and earnestness just right…jay has all this confidence and charisma and he describes himself as being honest, and i think that makes for a really good flirt!

obviously, if you’ve read the fic, you would know that i make it a point to say like. oh, jay is so pretty, he’s so popular he dates a lot of people, has a lot of friends, does social things etc. etc. but i don’t really show how jungwon fits into all of this. in my head, i think jungwon is also pretty popular with love interests, he just rarely actually gives anyone the time of day, hence his commitment issues and his freak outs about having feelings for jay. i used this moment to kind of acknowledge that and have jay be innately aware that jungwon is Wanted.

 

Jongseong smiles at him, soft, gentle, and Jungwon feels like the ground has fallen out from under his feet. “It’s okay to say no. We can forget this whole conversation if you want, just say the word. I’ll just refill my cup and walk away.”

Jungwon swallows over the lump in his throat and clears it a little, avoiding eye contact. “I just. Was not prepared for you to ask me out,” he admits, and the nervous laugh that comes out takes him by surprise.

(...)

“You’re cute and you’re kind of giving me a hard time. I’d be stupid not to ask you out,” Jongseong says, laughing.

 

this is a moment that i wanted to include so i could expand on jay’s characterization (and jungwon’s). i think underneath all that charm and flirtation, i wanted to emphasize to jungwon that jay isn’t just that, he’s genuinely a good guy, and he’s not going to pressure you into anything. and i also thought a moment of honesty from jungwon is something that was needed after him giving jay a hard time. so it goes both ways! jungwon is trying not to be one of jay’s statistics (for lack of a better term) but at the same time, something has changed about his perception of jay.

and that last bit of dialogue…i already mentioned this before but! a combination of charm and honesty always gets me…this would get me.

 

Many of the pictures seem to be at raves and different music festivals, and there’s several of Jongseong with some people at Arena Ktown.

 

i had to include this—i had to. if you’re a southern californian asian, specifically from the LA and OC area, you know that everyone and their mother has been to arena ktown. i wouldn’t associate with anyone that has gone there, and definitely not anyone who goes there regularly! there’s just a stereotype about the demographic of that night club and i couldn’t Not include it for speculations about jay and his reputation’s sake. and of course, jay would be a raver, or if not a raver, goes there for the social aspect since all his friends would be that type! he definitely would’ve been at rolling loud this weekend. no doubt about it.

i’m sorry i’m talking about these things like you should know about them, as if they’re not just very specific things that asian-americans in southern california and the bay area experience lol.

 

JW: who said u could give ur stupid friends my number

SH: I’m just a good wingman ;)

 

i feel like i should have made it clear that jay didn’t have jungwon’s number before even meeting him. my thinking is that jay had asked sunghoon for jungwon’s number after it had been a few days since the party and jungwon hadn’t texted him. i promise jay isn’t a creep lmfao! i think i’ll go and fix that once this is up and posted!

once again, i do Not know why sunghoon and jungwon are the bridge between the two friend groups. i feel like i might have had a reason back when i was still in the planning stages of the fic, but i’ve completely forgotten!

 

J: I’m going to be honest and say I’ve been thinking about you since that night

 

that honesty again. i think we all know that jay is very open with his emotions and always has been, ever since we saw him on i-land. the boy wrote letters to his friends because he thought he was going to get eliminated! wtf! the running theme in all of my fics is how genuine and honest and earnest he is. those are the three words i would use to describe jay if someone asked me. this is such a simple text message, yet i think the fact that he isn’t playing it cool and being like oh yeah that guy i met at a party hasn’t texted me but who gives a fuck, just tells so much about him you know? like he was a little sad jungwon hadn’t texted him and he let jungwon know that.

and i think when a person has commitment issues, a lot of the problem lies in the fact that they don’t know if the other person is as In as they are, or as in as they Could be, if that makes sense? but from the get go jay is giving jungwon that reassurance, even if he doesn’t realize that it’s what jungwon needs (or secretly wants).

 

J: No seriously though idk what you’ve heard but I am not out here saying shit I don’t mean to people

 

this is so important!!! so important!!! jay does not say anything he does not mean. and i think there’s something sad about him knowing what people are saying about him, yet here he is being this genuine guy that hasn’t pressured jungwon into anything and even encouraged jungwon to reject him lol.

 

JW: i hate surprises >:(

J: You’ll learn to like them with me

 

you ever become charmed by the way you’ve written a character in your silly little fanfiction? ever get the silly goofy butterflies? crazy.

 

“What if I don’t answer?” Jungwon teases, and he can hear Jongseong sigh dramatically.

“Damn, you just love giving me a hard time, huh?”

Jungwon finally lets himself laugh, and he can hear Jongseong chuckle softly on his own end.

“If you don’t answer, I’ll be sad,” Jongseong says simply, and Jungwon rolls his eyes. Stupid Jongseong.

“I guess I don’t want to make you sad…”

 

i don’t know, something about his whole conversation…i love how they play off each other. i loved writing their conversations. i'd just be smiling the whole time because something that is quintessentially jaywon is banter and teasing each other and!! they’re just so much fun!!! me getting butterflies like i wasn’t the one who wrote the damn thing…

 

“I did not expect to meet your parents so soon, but it’s fine,” Jongseong says, smiling. He laughs when Jungwon smacks his shoulder.

 

not to suck my own dick but i think i have written a really good maknae line friend group dynamic

 

As he’s backing out of the parking spot, he puts his hand on the back of Jungwon’s seat as he looks out the rear window. Jungwon is a little flustered at Jongseong’s sudden proximity and the way his jawline looks from this angle is mesmerizing.

 

just one (1) time. i would like to see this. just once and then i could die happy.

 

“What, you’re not going to try and make a move on me and physically guide me on how to use the knife?” Jungwon is joking, mostly, but he almost half expected for this to happen, since this is a date after all and it just seems like something that would occur.

“Are you joking, or are you just pretending you’re joking because you secretly want me to do it?” Jongseong’s smile looks way too knowing and amused and Jungwon’s cheeks burn.

 

jungwon isn’t slick we all know he wants jay’s arms around him

 

“You have pretty eyes too, has anyone told you that?”

“Bro.”

“Oh my god, did I just get bro-zoned after I told you that you have pretty eyes? Oh my god, how am I going to recover from this. Look, I’m crying,” Jongseong wails dramatically, but at a low volume so as to not attract any attention from the surrounding couples.

 

my top 3 favorite parts to write include this onion cutting scene. i just wanted to incorporate a bunch of different things and using this scene was the best way to employ all of it. everything from the bro-zone joke, joking about crying because of being bro-zoned, using all of this as a set up for some tender and soft touches and the smallest moment of intimacy when jungwon is wiping his tears away and calling him pretty…it all had a purpose my friends!

 

“I’d like to see you again,” Jungwon amends, and Jongseong smiles even bigger, so big that Jungwon wants to memorize the happiness etched into every feature.

 

i thought after all the back and forth and jungwon giving him a hard time, jay deserved to catch a little break

 

“No one touch me…He just hugged me and kissed the side of my head…I’m going to pass out,” Jungwon whispers, hand on the wall like he’s catching his breath. He’s nothing if not dramatic.

 

so valid, jungwon, so valid. i just wanted to show that jungwon is in fact affected by jay’s jayness like the rest of us…he is not immune.

 

“Jongseong.”

Jongaesong raises his eyebrows and Jungwon rolls his eyes.

“Jongseong-hyung.”

 

jay being annoying about honorifics…i don’t know it just felt Right.

 

“And you’re not just an opportunity,” Jungwon adds, shoving the other boy’s shoulder lightly.

“Oh. Well, when you put it like that…”

“If you want us to keep seeing each other, then you need to let me pay for stuff sometimes. I have a job, I can afford to pay for your boba or for dinner once in a while at least,” Jungwon grumbles.

Jongseong bats his eyelashes at Jungwon and puts a hand over his chest, all exaggerated and annoying. “Are you saying you’ll take care of me?”

 

this bit. my view on jay: he loves people and he does things for them and buys them things and never for a second does he ever expect anything back, he doesn’t do anything for the sake of reciprocation, he does it because he loves them. i like to think that jay would be extremely touched by the idea of jungwon wanted to take care of him sometimes, even if in this moment he’s joking and being flirty and dumb.

i think the premise of the whole jaywon dynamic is them taking care of each other in their own little ways, whether it’s big gestures or little ones that could easily be brushed off or looked over. i think that’s one of the things that draws me to jaywon as a ship.

 

“Stupid gorgeous?” Jongseong repeats, a big smile beginning to form on his face. The corners of his eyes are crinkling and he looks so pretty – Jungwon thinks it’s unfair.

 

don’t mind me, once again crying over jay’s smile. if you follow me on twitter, my whole thing is me pretending that i hate jay. my bio literally says that i am a jay anti lol

ok insanity cap is off, let’s move on, shall we!

 

Jongseong’s lips look glossy in the overhead lighting, and they look so soft and Jungwon finds it hard to keep his imagination away from the idea of what it’d be like to kiss him.

 

me just straight-up lying because jay’s lips have never once looked soft…that man needs some chapstick.

 

“See if you hadn’t been staring at my mouth, then you would’ve noticed that some girl walked straight into the glass door of the study room across the hall,” Jongseong says simply, says the beginning bit like it’s no big deal but Jungwon wants a hole open up beneath him so he can disappear and never have to face Jongseong ever again.

“Staring at your what.”

 

i feel like this scene in general was just jay having his turn at teasing jungwon, and deserve honestly! it’s his turn to fluster jungwon and embarrass him a little.

 

“That’s a good fucking question actually,” Jongseong says, nodding at the charger cords at the end of the table. “But looks don’t mean shit when you’re an idiot who forgot to charge their laptop when they have class.”

 

heeseung is a disaster human and i stand by that notion.

 

“Of course I want to. I’ve wanted to since you gave me a hard time back at the Lambdas party,” Jongseong says once he’s calmed down a bit and his eyes shining a little with mirth.

 

at this point in the fic, it’s time for me to admit something: this fic nearly did not have a happy ending. crazy right? up to this point there really wasn’t anything that would indicate that.

my plan was to have them get together, have jungwon get a taste of jay’s social life, meet all his friends, see how many people are clearly in love with jay. see the way people around him kind of clung onto him, did things that probably weren’t appropriate anymore now that jay has jungwon. i was going to have them together with no official boyfriend title, have them not even discuss being exclusive or anything, have jungwon talk to some of jay’s “former flings” at some parties, see how jay’s phone is literally always being blown up by people who want him.

and then i was going to have jungwon break things off with jay. yup. without even telling him why just, hey i don’t think this is going to work out and then no more jaywon.

and then of course, jay is going to come find him after a bit and ask why and then jungwon would bring up all these things and jay would be like there was only ever you or something and jungwon would bring up these former flings again the things they said about trying to hook up with him even while they were together and jay would get mad like why would you listen to them they’re former for a reason etc. etc. and jungwon would be like you’re exactly how people say you are and then i would’ve had jay retaliate say that he was only ever all in, and that jungwon’s commitment issues were the problem here etc.

anyways, the point is that this was going to get toxic and Not Good. but i decided pretty early on in the drafting process that i wanted this to be angst free as much as possible because i love jaywon too much to make them suffer like that.

(i say this, but my next fic is going to be angsty, toxic jaywon lol.)

 

“I kind of. I kind of had feelings for you before we met?” Jongseong says this haltingly, tips of his ears reddening, and it’s the first time tonight that Jungwon thinks he’s seen him embarrassed.

(...)

“Well, for me, it’s the same thing. You don’t need a reason for falling for someone, it just happens,” Jongseong says simply.

 

jay is definitely the type to fall in love at first sight. i mean he said that gay ass line at en-connect: companion and i haven’t stopped thinking about it. of course he’s perfect and loves people without reason, of course, what else was i expecting from park jongseong.

 

“That’s the thing, though – you don’t get to tell me what I deserve when I already know what I want. Who I want,” Jongseong says, smiling wryly.

 

jay the king of knowing exactly what he wants and going for it without any hesitation or fear, even if there are very clear obstacles. this is something about jay that i really admire. i always think about that time in i-land when he kept going for parts even after they were given away to others instead of him time after time.

 

“I know, and I know it must be scary for you and you might be thinking about how to get out of this whole thing right now. All I’m saying is that the ball is in your court, and it always has been, since the moment I gave you my number and gave you the option.”

 

i think this is something to note—jay has tried his best to do everything based off what was comfortable for jungwon. he has never pushed the boundaries, never crossed any lines. i like to think that jay at least had an awareness of how skittish jungwon is about relationships and feelings and commitment (i mean, it’s pretty easy to tell with how jungwon has been so far, i think). so everything has been up to him, and jay was just happy to receive whatever jungwon was comfortable with giving him.

 

“If your answer is yes, then that’s enough for me. We’ll work through this together. It’s okay,” Jongseong interrupts lightly.

 

jay being willing to go into this relationship knowing that he feels more than jungwon does at the moment is so jay, in my opinion. jay loves unapologetically and without holding back, but doing things at jungwon’s pace is what is important to him, and i think it was vital that he conveyed this to jungwon to reassure him again.

as for the outtake, i’m not going to paste in anything specific, but i really wanted to end off on something that was substantial enough to give you a taste of what they’re like together in a real relationship, while bringing it full circle by bringing up jungwon’s dislike of surprises and unblocking jay on instagram. honestly, i hate when fics have all this word count real estate dedicated to the getting-together and then we don’t actually see them together, which is why i always try to include outtakes to wrap up the fic with a nice bow on top.

closing

if you’ve made it this far, i would like to hold your hand and give you a smooch. hopefully this was interesting and gave you a look into my peanut brain and my thought process while writing this. i’d like to thank everyone who has commented on the fic because it really did mean so much to me—each time i receive a new one, it makes my day! until next time, mwah!